Join us for the Dance Floor Festival in July

Hi Everybody,

Would you like to spend five days with one of the developers of the NVC Dance Floors next month? Come and join Gina Lawrie and myself for the Dance Floor Festival, 6-11th July. The venue is the the Rainbow Mill in Norfolk, UK. Camping and B&B options are available.

As you may know, ‘The NVC Dance Floors’ is a method for learning, practising and teaching Nonviolent Communication (NVC), co-created by Bridget Belgrave and Gina Lawrie.

The Dance Floors are spatial maps made up of large cards that place NVC processes on the floor in various layouts called ‘dances’. Each card represents a step in a dance of communication. These steps can be used in any sequence to support authentic, flowing, conscious communication. People learning NVC walk through the steps, often with coaching from a trainer, or support from people in their practice group.
For more information about the Dance Floors, visit: NVCDancefloors.com

For more information about the Festival: Click here

See you there!

Warmly, Shantigarbha

NVC Parenting: article in The Times!

Hi Everybody,

I’m delighted to say that the article on NVC parenting I helped a journalist from The Times write last year has just appeared in print under the title: ‘All we are saying is: give peace a chance’. The online version features my friend and colleague Sarah Ludford, and Helen Bone, who has been attending my parenting workshops in Bristol.

Here’s a quote from the article:

Helen Bone runs a group in Bristol that meets every two months to work through the practicalities of parenting with nonviolence. She turned to NVC when her son Sam’s behaviour began to deteriorate, triggered by his asthma.

“He couldn’t verbalise how his asthma made him feel so he shut me out, with lots of kicking and shouting,” she says. “My response — angry, frustrated and upset — was making the problem worse. Through NVC we’ve learnt a different way of communicating and it’s gentler.”

So how does it work? Bone describes a time when she used NVC with her son to prevent a conflict getting worse. “We were at a relative’s house and Sam was playing in the sandpit with a toy lorry, but the rest of the family were going to the park,” she says. “He just lost it because he didn’t want to stop what he was doing. I used to think, ‘I’m the parent, so he’s going to do what I say’, but instead I thought about what his needs were. I realised he just wanted some autonomy. I think that’s important, and what tantrums are about in most cases.”

I’m delighted with what I interpret as Heidi’s straightforward enthusiasm for NVC, and presenting stories from Helen, Sarah and her own life that demonstrate its effectiveness.

Here’s a link to the full version: http://bit.ly/btFLEG

Please spread it around.

Love and life, Shantigarbha

Restorative Circles: an application of NVC

Hi All,

I found this an inspiring and clear introduction to Restorative Circles (NVC applied to Restorative Justice), by their developer, Dominic Barter.
Warmly, Shantigarbha

http://www.vimeo.com/6557584

Celebration of the Sri Lankan residential training

Hi everybody,

We’ve just finished a ten-day residential training here in Sri Lanka. We trained a group of fifty Sinhalese, Tamils and Muslims from all parts of the country. I’m still feeling uplifted. As far as I know, everybody’s expectations were exceeded in terms of the depth of mutual understanding and community that we felt.

Initially we were worried that people wouldn’t talk. We needn’t have done – the group participated and gave us feedback from the first session. I felt honoured to do a three-day introduction for the majority of the group, and enjoyed the deep connections that formed.

I enjoyed hearing about sessions of transforming enemy images, understanding the fears of ‘the other side’, and doing a session on social change: I asked people to imagine the kind of country and world that they would like to live in. I heard some wonderful dreams of mutual respect and unity in Sri Lanka.

Here’s a poem written and read by one of the participants that reflects the kind of country she would like to live in. She read it out one evening and we asked her to record it, with a commentary on why and how she came to write it. I found it very moving.

I loved the party and the ‘No Need for Talent Show’ on the last night. I was amazed to see how both Tamils and Sinhalese come out of themselves when they are performing: songs, comedy, more songs, a mock-fashion show (which I participated in), etc. etc.

I’d like to appreciate the effort and enthusiasm of:

- the training team: Liv Larsson, Kay Rung, Jeyanthy Siva and myself, assisted by Sejal Chad and Claudia Schraewer.
- our team of Sinhala and Tamil translators.
- the Sandhi team for organising the whole event: Jeyanthy, Chamila, Gayathri and Harsha
- Sewalanka for providing the venue and accommodation
- everybody who contributed financially to making this happen.

If you’re on Facebook, I’ve posted a few photos, with comments: www.facebook.com/shantigarbha

Love and life, Shantigarbha

Happy New Year from Sri Lanka!

Hi All,

Happy New Year from Sri Lanka! I’m out here to run some trainings and a ten-day residential in early Feb (see below or Sandhi.org for details)

Here are four short clips from a TV interview I did when I was here before. I had a lot of fun doing the puppet show in clip #2! To view clip #2, watch clip #1 until the end. At the bottom of the screen will appear a variety of new clips. Click on ‘2. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) on TV in Sri Lanka with Shantigarbha’ To view clip #3, view clip #2 and repeat process.

Hotly (31 degrees today – phew!), Shantigarbha

Sri Lanka International Training plus 2010 dates

Dear Friends,
We are offering a 10 day residential training in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) from Feb 1-10th, in Sri Lanka, in conjunction with The Sandhi Institute

We have an international team with rich and varied experience. This is a wonderful opportunity to receive such training for an affordable rate – even with flight costs, it may be work out to be same or less than the cost of other NVC courses of this length. And for some people, the added value of coming to this part of the world and connecting with NVC folks here and exploring before or after the course is of course unmeasurable.

The location is a beautiful training Center in northern part of Sri Lanka, near a national park and close to an ancient Buddhist holy city.

Participants from Sri Lanka will be people working in community mobilization at grass roots level, NGO staff working with war victims and people in camps, staff of NGOs working in development sector, journalists, University students, etc., Both Sinhalese and Tamil (Training will be done in English with translation provided for both of our local languages). We are also anticipating few people from neighbouring India and perhaps Singapore who will join us.

We are only making about 10 places available for folks from outside of Sri Lanka since the purpose of this training is to contribute to healing and reconciliation and community building within Sri Lanka. I would recommend that you act quickly and register soon if you want to get a place.

What will you have gained at the end of the training?
How to…
• See conflict as an opportunity to connect more deeply with yourself and others.
• Express your authenticity clearly and strongly without blame, criticism, or attack.
• Understand compassionately what is motivating others’ words or behaviour.
• Increase mutual respect and trust in communication.
• Improve understanding and better connection in relationships whether with colleagues or family and friends.
• Support others in their communication through formal or informal mediation.
• Gain clarity about yourself and what your needs are and finding powerful and effective ways to meet them.
• Manage strong emotions such as anger, shame and guilt in self and learn how to respond constructively when expressed by others

The venue:
Islander Center,
Anuradhapura
Sri Lanka

Dates:
Feb 01 – Feb 10, 2010.

Is this training for you?
This training is open to everyone interested and looking for tools to strengthen relationships and
reach for conflicts with hope The training will be led in English with translation into Sinhala and Tamil

For further information about fees and trainers and registration:
Go to the Training Diary page: Sri Lankan International Training

The rest of our 2010 dates

• April 1 – 3, 2010: Newmarket, NH, USA: 2-Day Basic Empathy Training
• April 3 – 5: Newmarket, NH, USA: 2-Day Residential Deepening + Conflict training
• May 8 – 9: Stourbridge, UK: Two Day Foundation Empathy Training
• May 14 – 16: Dharmapala College, Birmingham: Transforming Anger
• June 5 – 6: Isle of Harris: 2-Day Foundation Training
• June 12 – 13: Bristol, UK: 2-Day Foundation Training
• July 6 – 11: Norfolk, UK: NVC Dance Floor 5-Day Festival
• August 24 – 30 Norfolk, UK: Rainbow Mill Summer Camp
• September 25 – 26: Bristol, UK: 2-Day Deepening + Anger training

Looking forwards to seeing you in 2010!

Love and life, Shantigarbha

NVC UK Summer Camp report

Hi All,

A month has passed since the first NVC Camp in the UK at the Rainbow Mill in North Norfolk, UK. I wanted to write a report about it to celebrate what we created and to inspire others to do the same. There were about sixty-five people, including about twenty under the age of fifteen.

Highlights for me were: facilitating the community sessions, helping Des’ son Greg abseil down the Mill to fix the huge Jackal and Giraffe canvas murals; ’stamping my chaos’ at the Five Rhythms session, facilitating a ‘fishbowl’ between men and women, and of course the hilarious ‘No need for talent show’.

I deeply appreciate the contributions of Gayano, Beauchamp and Penny in setting it up and Des, the owner of the Rainbow Mill for hosting it, and to all the people who contributed to everyone’s learning and care.

I’d like to include some of the comments that have appeared since the camp on the Yahoo group we set up to keep in touch:

Within the gentle safety of this camp-community, I was able to journey & venture. I was able to, for example, identify a deeply-engrained pattern of mine, in relation to how I react to other people’s ‘aggressive’ behaviour. And I felt secure enough to explore it – with the wonderful support of certain folk who I felt able to lean towards for support (you know who u r – deep thanx!) The exploration was in no way easy – I was distressed for a great part of it. It was as scary as, say, deep-sea exploration. But safe in the knowledge I had a well-trained & competent crew on the surface to help me if & when I needed it.
- Kossie from Manchester

Really missing the adult and children companionship. Missing sharing a space with so many other people with shared values. Holding how precious that was and wanting more of it. Missing that space where I felt able to speaking authentically from my heart, where I witnessed and hear so many other people speaking their truth. I found being at the camp incredible and it was profoundly healing for me having so many people around to offer their time, give me empathy, allow me space to process a lot of issues that were triggered for me during the week. Blessings to you all for that.

I found when I was there at the camp, I did connect to something like abundance energy. Something like If I let go of the strategy of any particular person meeting a need of mine, and somehow just trust that the universe would provide, then someone would appear joyfully willing to meet my need. Something about me moving to a more trusting and abundance way of living.
- Sarah from Donegal, Ireland,

I listened again to the song we sang at the closing circle: ‘How could anyone ever tell you?’ on YouTube. Am feeling pain and loss, it has propelled me back to that day, leaving the camp, and how overwhelmed I felt by beautiful and painful emotions. I feel confused as tears pore down my cheeks.
I found walking round like that, a beautiful way to thank all my new, true, real friends (you). I had lots of things I wanted to say in that leaving circle after, but found that I chose not too, due to being overwhelmed. I feel the same now, as I get in touch with those feelings! Maybe words seem unable to express what I feel in these moments? The only thing I can say is it is a rare thing in my life to have got so many needs met at the same time, with so little effort, and in such a willing way. I am so grateful – to the camp, to the community, to the individuals – and I want more. Thank you.
Lots of loving and deeply best wishes to you all.
- Floaty Sarah from Wales.

For myelf, I found deep connections, love, peace, learning and healing. On the final day I saw two people hugging. It was something I’ve only dreamed of…how they hugged each other with completely open hearts.

I don’t know how to have more fun! Holidays just don’t do it for me – it’s NVC camps all the way!

Des is planning to host more NVC events at the Rainbow Mill. Gina Lawrie and I are running an NVC Dance Floor Festival July 6-11th, and Des is planning to run the camp again August 25-31st (dates tbc). There may be other camps too! Look out for announcements here, on Seedofpeace.org and on the new Nonviolent Events in the UK page.

Love and life, Shantigarbha

Teapot and Bag: an NVC inner conflict process

While I was in Birmingham, UK last month I ran a training on NVC and Conflict. One of the exercises I led through was on inner conflict – how to mediate a conflict between two different strategies to enrich your life. For example: do I stay put in my house and enjoy my space and freedom where I am? Or do I move town to live in a community with like-minded people?

I suggested that we find two objects to represent the different sides. We found a teapot for one side and a bag for the other, and put them on the floor in the middle of the circle.

Then I asked everybody to identify the ‘Shoulds’ on both sides for their conflict (For NVC afficionados, this is what we would call Teapot and Bag in ‘Jackal’). In the example I gave above about moving house, the shoulds would sound something like this. Teapot: I should stick with what I know. I should know that I won’t enjoy being with all those people. Bag: I should find some company for myself. I’ll wither away if I stay on my own much longer.

When everybody had done this for themselves, I suggested that they get together in pairs to talk about their inner conflict, gradually identifying the needs underneath the ‘Shoulds’ on both sides. (This is what we call Teapot and Bag in ‘Giraffe’). In our example, this sounded like this… Teapot: I guess I really need space to connect with

myself, and the ease and freedom of living alone. Bag: I desperately need connection and the comfort that comes from that. Besides, living with like-minded people will help me to grow and develop.

When everybody had done this, I invited them to bring the needs on both sides together in their heart (This is what we might call ‘Mediator in Giraffe’) resting quietly with them, letting go of any specific strategies that they have thought of so far. In our example, bringing the needs for space to connect, ease and freedom together with the needs for connection, comfort, support and growth.

I then invited everybody to sense their longing to meet both sets of needs for at least 30 seconds, and begin to explore / brainstorm ideas that would meet both sets of needs, without judging the ideas as they come. I invited everybody to start making a list of these ideas.

In our example, strategies that would meet both sets of needs included:
- staying as a guest in an existing community while renting out my house for six months
- renting out my house for six months and travelling
- talking with everyone I know our dreams for living in community

When each person had at least nine ideas, I invited them to look at each one to see if it worked on a heart level – they felt no resistance to doing it. If new needs came up, I suggested adding them to the ones they were holding in their heart. If they found something that worked, I invited them to celebrate it!

Giraffe and Jackal ears exercise

A month ago I did an exercise with a group of participants on a training in Stourbridge, UK, famous for its Rudolph Steiner connection and the Camphill Trust. The purpose of the exercise was to get clear about the choices I have when I hear a message. I asked the participants if they were fed up with hearing blame and criticism, and suggested (playfully!) that they need never hear blame and criticism again!

I gave the example of a situation from my life: I arrive for a regular appointment with a friend and he says, “You’re late again.” Sometimes he doesn’t actually say the words, he just looks at me in a certain way and I interpret the look as, “You’re late again.”

I pointed out that it was important for them to realise that lateness is hereditary in our family. I was born late, and with any luck, I’ll die late. Be that as it may, the message I’m hearing is, “You’re late again.” Through Nonviolent Communication I’ve come to understand that I have a choice how I hear this message.

There are four ways, two of them more life-serving than the others. (To maximise learning, I suggest you select a message from your own life to go through as I explore my example.)

I put on my ‘Jackal ears’ facing outwards (my habitual response) and replied to this message in terms of judging and blaming the other person. This sounded like:

Who are you calling late? You should stop being so self-righteous. If you give me a hard time about this I’m going to stop coming.

Then I put on my ‘Jackal ears’ facing inwards and heard the message in terms of judging and blaming myself. This sounded like this:

He’s right. I’m always late for our meetings. I just can’t get it right. I’m so inconsiderate – I just don’t care about my friends.

So these are two ways of hearing messages with ‘Jackal ears’ on: 1. hearing them in terms of judging and blaming the other, and 2. hearing them in terms of judging and blaming myself.

Then I asked the participants: would you like to live in a different kind of world? A world in which people relate compassionately to each other based on respect for needs? In this kind of world, again there are two ways I might hear a message like “You’re late again.” First I put on my ‘Giraffe ears’ facing inwards and hear the message in terms of what is alive in me – what feelings and needs are touched in me when I hear this message. Here’s how it sounded:

When I hear you say “You’re late again.”, I feel, well, disappointed, because I’d like acknowledgement of the effort I made to get here, and understanding that it’s important for me to honour agreements.

And as I really got in touch with my feelings and needs in this way, I found that I had space to listen to what is alive for him when he said, “You’re late again.” Putting my ‘Giraffe ears’ on facing outwards, I said to him:

Are you exasperated because you’d like respect for your time?

Notice that in NVC I make a guess (ask a question) rather than make a statement. I’ve found that a question is easier for the other person to hear. I guess what he’s feeling and what basic human need isn’t being met in the situation. I’ve found that my guess doesn’t have to be ‘right’ to make a connection. As Marshall Rosenberg says, ‘You can’t guess ‘wrong’, only human!’ If my guess turns out to be inaccurate, I’ve found that the other person usually tells me what’s really going on. In this case, my friend said:

No, it’s not that. We just don’t see each other as often as I’d like. When you’re late, we spend less time together.

OK – so I guessed it was about respect, and it turns out that it’s about valuing our time together. So I didn’t need to guess ‘right’ to get the understanding and connection I was looking for. And I’m confident that when we connect on
this level, on the level of basic human needs, that it will take only a few minutes to find a solution that we’re both happy with. Here’s what I came up with:

For the next month, would you like me to ring you, if I think I’m going to be more than fifteen minutes late, and discuss arranging another time to meet?

Yes!

Then it was the turn of the Stourbridge participants to practise with their own messages!

We’ve all hurt someone: NVC in prison

This time I felt excited and curious about visiting the men of the ‘Khanti Outreach’ Buddhist meditation and study group at Concord state prison. Though I hadn’t been for nearly a year, I’d often thought about the men and how they were getting on with their lives, so it wasn’t a shock to see the walls and razor wire of the prison, or to be standing outside the reception waiting for a uniformed guard to find my name on a list and let me through a colossally heavy motorized magnetic door.

In the room, there was already a speaker’s lectern set up and some men putting chairs out in rows. I asked them to put the lectern against the wall and arrange the chairs in a circle. When all twenty of them were full, I introduced myself and the topic: ‘How to be honest and safe’. As it was a meditation group, I started with an ‘Arriving Exercise’ – leading them through the different parts of their body, then their feelings, then their intentions. I guessed a few of their intentions – perhaps to develop their communication skills, perhaps to be true to themselves and stay safe; perhaps to create the kind of environment they’d like to live in, perhaps all of these, perhaps others as well.

Then I got the men to check in with each other, in pairs: ‘How you doing? What’s up?’ I wanted them to start connecting with each other stay engaged, so I suggested two minutes each way. I was satisfied with my choice when the room was filled with talking that didn’t die away towards the end of the exercise.

Then an Opening Round: your name and what’s up for you? Then I went straight into the topic of how to be honest and safe. I described a conflict that I had heard about on a previous visit. Most of the inmates are in eight-man bedrooms. In this particular room, there’s one man who wants to do his homework (college degrees are very popular among lifers), and another who is listening to his music, on headphones, but loud enough to disturb the man doing his homework. As I described this conflict, several men agreed that it was a typical situation. I guessed, “Is it hard enough to get on with the seven men in your room, even before thinking about food or work?” I saw at least ten men nodding in agreement. One said, “If you’ve got eight men in a room, you can guarantee there are ten or 12 different personalities.” I laughed, and immediately felt uncomfortable with how loud I had laughed. I wanted to be sensitive and I was pretty sure from seeing people’s eyes that at least one man in the room was on medication.

To bring some humour and playfulness in, I asked the guys on one side of the circle to role-play ‘Jim’, the guy doing his homework, and the other side of the room to role-play ‘Michael’, the guy using his headphones. I learned this particular sequence from Jeyanthy Siva of the Sandhi Institute (NVC training in Sri Lanka). This is how the dialogue went:

Jim: Could you turn that down?

Michael: I can’t hear you!

Jim: Turn it down! That’s awfully loud.

Michael: It’s not loud. I’ve got a right to be here too.

Jim: I’m just trying to do my homework.

We paused there and I asked everybody what would be the effect of this conversation. Short answer: less trust and cooperation. And whose side were they on: Jim’s or Michael’s? All those who had role-played Jim took his side, and all those who had role-played Michael took his side.

Then I asked what would happen if we looked at the ‘deeper motivations’ on both sides. What might Jim be feeling, and what did he want? We looked at each of their sentences in turn. They guessed that he was probably feeling frustrated at first, then angry because he was wanting respect, consideration and dignity. Then to be heard. And finally support and understanding (“I’m just trying to do my homework.”)

And what might Michael be feeling, and what did he want? They guessed that initially he felt frustrated, and that he wanted space to himself, some time to relax. Then he wanted understanding, then respect and dignity (“I’ve got a right to be here too.”)

I asked again: Whose side are you on, if any? Several of the men said ‘Well, if they could just listen to each other, maybe they could find a way to work it out.’ I asked the men to go through the conversation again, expressing the ‘deeper motivations’ on both sides. They did, repeating the feelings and deeper motivations (or ‘needs’). I asked if this was more or less likely to lead to trust and cooperation? They said more likely.

Then a man who was in jail ‘for an indefinite period of time’ spoke up: “I don’t know how many times a little bit of kindness or consideration has been interpreted as weakness.” I empathized: “Are you saying that it’s deeply difficult to be true to yourself and at the same time avoid a bigger battle later?” “Yes,” he said. “You need to get to know a guy, to see him over a period of time, before you could trust that he won’t try to control you.” “Do you need to be careful about how you act, to protect yourself?” “Yes.” He went quiet for a few seconds.

I drew two stick men, facing each other, close up, and talked about conflict the way that I’d seen Marshall do it. Usually we listen to each other’s thoughts – what the other person is. Labels, blame, judgements. Or shoulds, threats and can’ts. I’d like see what happens when we get connected at a heart level. And I drew hearts on the stick men and an arrow going between them. How do I connect on the level of our ‘deeper motivations’, what’s in our hearts. That’s what connects me with other people – that’s what we have in common. I paused for feedback.

“Yes, but you can’t go around here telling people what you’re feeling all the time.” “Is it ‘Safety first?’” I asked. He nodded. I went on, “I don’t want to get all touchy-feely about this. For me, feelings are feedback about my deeper motivations – what I’m calling my ‘Needs’ (CNVC’s list of basic Needs). They are telling me about what I need to give attention to.” He looked around and said, “There are 1500 men in here, and I reckon that 1200 of them are disconnected from their feelings.” “So you’re pretty unhopeful of connecting with them?” “Yup.”

I paused for a few seconds and then said, “I make a distinction between basic needs, which we all share, and the ways we try to meet those needs. I can stay connected to someone if I can understand what need they are trying to meet, even if I’m not happy with how they are going about meeting it. I don’t need to agree with someone to have a connection with them. For example, since I’ve been here, I’ve heard people mention the needs for safety, respect and consideration more than ten times each. I can connect on this level – doesn’t mean I agree with how everybody is trying to meet these needs.”

The conversation turned to other difficulties of sharing a room with seven other men. One guy said that there will always be one who likes to read late, and another who gets up early. Another guy said that he likes to stay up all night on Saturday and watch the TV until 4:00am. “I’m the same,” I said. “I’m a night bird. And my partner likes to go to bed early and get up and go to work early. It’s a daily source of conflict for us. But you’ve got seven other people to deal with.” I looked around and it hit me like a thunderbolt: of course there were no women inmates. In fact, some of the men I was looking at hadn’t slept with their wife (if they still had one) or a woman for more than a decade. I felt a reeling sense of shock and sadness. Then I was slightly embarrased and deeply grateful to connect on this level. And no-one said anything.

I told them I had an exercise – to practise staying connected at this deeper level. I asked them to find someone to work with and to speak for a minute about ‘something on their mind’. Then I asked the other guy in the pair to guess what was important to the speaker. This went on for five minutes then I asked them to swap over. I was delighted to see some of the men leaning towards each other in a way that I would describe as ‘confidential’, receiving their partner’s words.

In the ‘Closing round’, people expressed appreciation of the exercise they’d just done. “It’s not often you get a chance to talk and somebody really listens.” Several said that they were very glad to meet me, and invited me to come again. Another person thanked me for the perspective I’d talked about – how to stay connected at the level of what we have in common. This sparked a man to recall what someone else in the circle had said at meditation group a couple of years previously: “We’ve all hurt somebody. We’ve all hurt someone.” He said that it had really struck him at the time, acknowledging that they were all ‘in the same boat’. I listened without speaking, trusting that it was a moment of acknowledgement and awareness rather than an attempt to provoke feelings of guilt. Another (the one I had previously assessed from the look in his eyes as ‘on medication’) said, “We need more people like you to come – people with insight into what’s happening.” I thanked him, and said that I was glad to meet and connect with ‘fellow human beings’. The last man in the circle thanked me for calling him a human being: “That’s the first time anybody has done that in here.”

As I was packing up to go about ten of the men came up and shook my hand. I was deeply touched and amazed with the connection I felt. And as I walked out through the magnetic doors I surprised myself by feeling some sadness about leaving. I got in the car with my companion from the Khanti outreach group. She turned to me and said, “I’ve never seen the men so upbeat as that.”

I’d love to hear your comments!

Light and love, Shantigarbha

Further Reading: See also Shantigarbha’s magazine article onTeaching Nonviolent Communication in a US Prison in the Downloads (General NVC) section.