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Group circle on NVC training in Israel/Palestine at EcoME

Here’s how my trip to Israel/Palestine and India/Sri Lanka unfolded in emails, notes and Facebook updates…

Dec 22. I’m getting excited about the Israeli/Palestinian training we’re running over the New Year. Flying on Monday to Tel Aviv. About 100 people coming! Ten people on the training team. Feeling hopeful of sharing compassion! And preparing for an encounter with my own personal demons: ‘enemy images’ of both Israelis and Palestinians, as well as the ‘spectre’ of the treatment of the Jews under the Nazis that had cast a long shadow over my adolescence and my faith in humanity.

Dec 27. Staying in Jerusalem – fascinating monuments and history! Walked through the Old City, enjoying the mix of Arab and Western cultures. Saw crowds of people praying at the West Wall underneath the Dome of the Rock. Team meeting tonight and tomorrow. Training starts the day after tomorrow in the desert near the Dead Sea.. Excited to see who comes.

Walk in the desert

Dec 29. The big day! Arrived at EcoME, the venue between Jericho and the Dead Sea. About 80 people in the opening circle, more coming tomorrow. Lovely to see and speak to Arabs, Jews and people from overseas. Delighted with people’s responses to the opening session and to work with Sylvia, Roberta, Hagit and the team. Feeling hopeful of contributing and making friends.

Dec 30. The desert is surprisingly cold. I’m wearing my thermal underwear except for the middle of the day. The accommodation at EcoME is basic, the food fresh and tasty. At this morning’s Community Gathering, I read Rumi’s poem: ‘Out Beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a place, I’ll meet you there.’ It seemed the perfect introduction to the training from an Arabic poet. I was in touch with a sense of deep love and a desire to contribute to everyone’s welfare. One of the participants from Jordan asked me what I do for a living. I replied that I travel and teach NVC. She said, “That’s a wonderful life.” This evening: laughter, enthusiastic Kabbalat Shabbat music, muslim prayer, Dubke dancing, tears, deep listening. We’re forging connections between Jews and Arabs.

Dec 31. New Year’s Eve in the desert, just north of the Dead Sea. A pretend Palestinian wedding (learned circle dances), Jewish songs, fire ceremony, deep empathy, mourning, celebration, the sky and moon. Giving and receiving deep empathy. I love the opportunity I have here to learn, connect and contribute.

Two-headed NVC trainer! Myself (left) and Tarek Maassarani at EcoME.

Jan 2. Loved facilitating the community gatherings today: felt ease, confidence and playfulness. enjoyed support of team in many ways: with food, washing, recharging my phone, massage and hugs. Feeling blessed tonight

Jan 5. Seven days into the 9-day residential training for Israelis and Palestinians here in Israel/Palestine. I facilitated a ‘Restorative Circle’ for the whole community on the topic of the Wall. Loved contributing and embodying compassion in this way. Touched the depths of pain and fear on both sides. When people are in deep pain, it’s deeply difficult for them to hear the other’s pain. We heard from a person of Jewish origin about a lost dream: of living in peace and security in Israel. For him, this pain was added to the pain of seeing how Palestinians have suffered in relation to the Israeli govt. policies. I felt hopelessness and despair, imagining that this pain never gets healed, it just gets moved around from person to person and region to region. I wept for 30 minutes while the circle continued with someone else facilitating. Process continues: still listening…

Team meeting with Nafez Assaily, Palestinian NVC trainer

Jan 7. Last day. Haunting spontaneous gospel singing at breakfast. Found myself singing ‘Amen’ with dignity and awe. A team member told me that he looked across at me this morning and my face had become the image of compassion. In the closing circle I said that my heart had been touched in many different ways over the nine days. I said that I had loved being part of the process in the team, and supporting and caring for this community, and that in caring for this community, I was caring for myself. Immediately after the closing circle, the team went into a spontaneous huddle. We held onto each other in shock and overwhelm. We couldn’t believe that we’d come through, that we’d survived. We all wanted to acknowledge that we’d been scared at times. We couldn’t believe that we’d created something that was much bigger than ourselves, and that we were still a central part of it!

Jan 8. The day after. Last night I and the rest of the training team went to a cafe to celebrate the end of the training and divide up the money. As we had over 100 participants over the course of the nine days, there was a lot money than we expected. We had rolls of Israeli banknotes sitting on the table. Someone said, “How much do we give the getaway driver, we gotta pay the getaway driver”, and suddenly it seemed like we were in a film and we’d just robbed a bank, and we were sitting in a local cafe to divide up the loot. I hope this communicates something of the amazement and even shock that I and the rest of the training team feel to have been part of something so ‘big’ in numbers and in transformative impact. I can’t remember how many people, including myself, who said that their hearts had opened through the process, and that they felt more hope where before they had felt despair. And I can’t remember how many heart-to-heart hugs I had with people who thanked me for coming to Israel/Palestine and wished to see me again.

Jan 9. Last night I dreamt of being in a team meeting! A reflection of the amount of time we’ve met and the intensity of our support and collaboration in the last three months. Feel like I’ve been superglued to the rest of the EcoME team by the intensity of what we went through, and how we held and supported each other. I think that my heart has got bigger! I’m sure that putting myself in such challenging situations lends itself to developing compassion. That’s how it feels at the moment, anyway. Going to have a rest for the next few days by the Dead Sea before going on to staffing on the Indian NVC convention. Now I can wear clean clothes again, and take off my thermal underwear!

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Then on to India and Sri Lanka…

Hotel on the beach in Gopalpur, lighthouse in the background

Jan 12. Arrived this evening in Orissa from Israel/Palestine for the Indian NVC Convention. Tired from travel and stomach sickness. And happy to have finished travelling for now and see people I love. Also delighted that I can hear the ocean from my bedroom here Resting…

Jan 18. Facilitated a group healing pain related to caste issues today. Heard about caste-related violence in the nearby district of Kandhamal. Around 40 deaths and many houses burnt down. Was delighted to contribute by offering deep listening. Mourning and a sense of inner peace and connection.

Jan 19. Facilitated an ‘inter-caste dialogue’. Was listening to a ‘Dalit’ (designated as a member of the ‘Scheduled Castes’) speaking about caste-related events that he felt deep anger and pain about. Realised I was afraid to look into his eyes, to protect myself from the pain. Did some self-empathy:

Me with some of the 130 INVCI Convention participants

I want to protect myself *and* I want connection. Looked into his eyes. Suddenly something seemed to shift in him and me. We’d re-established connection, in the midst of deep pain. Sat with him at lunch afterwards and heard about his family and job.

Jan 24. We’ve just finished the Indian NVC convention at Gopalpur-on-Sea in Orissa. I and the rest of the team are delighted with the response from the participants. My trainer colleague Godfrey Spencer said, “One thing struck me about Indian groups of learners: they have unbounded capacity for silence. I have never before experienced such centredness in a whole group, eager to learn, eager to integrate.” I heard several participants describe it as a life-changing experience. I loved the venue of Gopalpur with its relatively clean and unbuilt beach. Ah, the sea, the sea! The freshness, the beauty, the comfort of its roar at night…

Saleem and Milli: INVCI Convention organisers

Now I’m going to Auroville for a rest for a few days, then on to Sri Lanka, where I’ll be running a 5-day training for 30 people who are training / want to train people in NVC. Love and peace to all, Shantigarbha

Jan 24. On 17 hour train journey from Berhampur to Chennai. Sleeping and dozing until I get a sore hip, then turning over. Outside flooded paddy fields in sunlight, water buffalo, people, small villages, chickens and small rounded mountains in the distance. Two men snoring in our sleeping compartment. Cold legs from the AC, which we can’t switch off. More later, SGxxx

Jan 25. Resting at Joy Guest House in Auroville.

Teaching empathy with the Jackal puppet

Jan 30. I’ve arrived safely in Sri Lanka and been taken to the training venue. It’s by the sea in Colombo. The temperature is 32 degrees (actually I quite like it) and there’s a strong wind coming off the sea. Relaxing this evening and looking after my sore throat before starting a 5-day training for 30 NVC trainers tomorrow.

Feb 1. With a group of people of Tamil origin from areas affected by the war. I’ve got five days to help them mourn their losses.

Coaching a newbie mediator in a roleplay

Feb 3. Watched a former LTTE combatant who still has shrapnel in his brain (too delicate to operate on) having a fit, held down by five friends. Felt strangely calm and loving as he tried to thrash about. In a group photo I’ve got my hands on the shoulders of another former LTTE combatant. He lost both arms above the elbow. These are some of the physical consequences. The emotional consequences of losing friends, relatives and dreams are less easily visible, and as deep. Another former LTTE combatant said that losing his leg above the knee was ok, but losing his three closest friends from childhood was a unbearable as he didn’t have their daily friendship and support.

Feb 4. Now they’re celebrating! Witnessed Tamil singing competition. Two teams, singing songs in turn. The first word of the new song has to begin with the last letter of the last word of the previous song. A seriously challenging way to celebrate!

Feb 10. Back in the UK. Snow on the ground. Everything is so easy and comfortable here. Missing the intense closeness of the last five weeks in the Middle East and Asia.

Love and peace, Shantigarbha

NVC at EcoME

Trainers
Shantigarbha (UK) www.seedofpeace.org
Roberta Wall (USA) www.steps2peace.com
Hagit Lifshitz (Israel) www.mifgash.org.il
Tarek Maassarani (USA): www.american.edu/sis/faculty/maassara.cfm
Sylvia Haskvitz (USA): www.ccjewishsoul.com and http://www.eatbychoice.net/
Guest trainer: Nafez Assaily (Hebron): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nafez_Assaily

This is an international retreat with an international team of trainers. We plan to be 50-60 people, living communally for nine days. We wish to respect and accommodate all religions and nationalities, so special food needs, prayer time and observance of Jews, Moslems and Christians will be respected. This training will be accessible to you if you speak English, Arabic or Hebrew. If you wish to support peace building and peace activists from all sides – please seriously consider applying. And please tell your friends and colleagues too!

To view the Brochure online, please click here: http://bit.ly/q8qZox

To view the Application Form, please click here: http://bit.ly/p5vlta

To view the Invitation Letter to people living outside of the region, please click here: http://bit.ly/o8Uoln

To view the Invitation Letter to organizations, please click here: http://bit.ly/oququV

To view the Fundraising Letter, please click here: http://bit.ly/qQ2fYp

More info here: http://seedofpeace.org/?p=1627

I’ve recently finished my book on empathy ‘Empathy: the art of compassionate presence’ and I’m currently negotiating with a US publisher. In the meantime, over the summer I was keen to get on the road and share what I’d learned in writing it. So I gave a talk in several locations called ‘Empathy: what, why  and how?’

“Empathy is a compassionate understanding of another’s experience. It’s the basis of ethics and compassion. We develop it by expanding our ‘natural’ empathy through practise.”

Here’s a video of the talk at Buddhafield. It’s in a Buddhist context, so I’m wearing my ‘kesa’ (white ribbon around my neck), which symbolizes my commitment to the ideals of Buddhism.

Love and life, Shantigarbha

A participant tries her hand at mediating on a recent workshop, with me coaching

Hi All,

Are you enjoying the august sunshine? I’d like to let you know what I’ll be up to this autumn and winter, and ask for some help. First of all, here’s what I’ll be doing:

• September 13th, Bristol, UK: 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course starts (Tuesday evenings). Info
• September 24-25th, Bristol, UK: NVC Foundation Training. Info
• October 15-16th, Birmingham: NVC Foundation Training. Info
• October 29th, Bristol, UK: NVC West Gathering Info
• DEFERRED TO NEW YEAR: November 8th, Bristol, UK: 6-week Mindful Communication course starts (Tuesday evenings).  Info
• November 26-27th, Bristol, UK: Deepening + Empathy (intermediate). Info
• Dec 29 2011 – Jan 7th 2012,  9-Day Residential training for Palestinians and Israelis by the Dead Sea. Info

And in 2012:

• Jan 16-20, Orissa, NVC India Convention. Info
• Feb (dates tbc), Sri Lanka, Training of Trainers.
• Feb 18-19th, Bristol, UK: 2 Day Foundation Training Info
• March 3-4th, Birmingham, UK: 2 Day Deepening + Conflict training. Info
• March 21-23, Newmarket, NH, USA: Basic Training. Info
• March 23-25, Newmarket, NH, USA: Deepening + Empathy. Info
• April 28-29th, Birmingham, UK: 2 Day Foundation Training. Info
• May 12-13th, Bristol, UK: 2 Day Deepening + Anger training. Info

9-Day Residential Training for Palestinians and Israelis by the the Dead Sea, January 2012
The training by the Dead Sea will be a new departure for me. On my travels to the USA, I met an NVC trainer-in-training called Roberta Wall (see her website). I enjoyed having her assist me on a training. Last year, being of Jewish origin, she went to Israel to share NVC. I was so impressed with her accounts of her trainings there, that I offered to support her this winter in running a longer training for both Israelis and Palestinians.

We are all set to start our training Thursday Dec 29 at dinner, and end Saturday January 7 after dark. We’re delighted to announce that the training will be hosted by the EcoME Centre, by the Dead Sea – in a location accessible to Israelis and Palestinians.

Hoping to see you at one of these trainings!

Love and life, Shantigarbha

Mindful, empathic communication

I’ve spent the past 25 years practising mindfulness and learning, sometimes painfully, how to communicate effectively with a wide range of people. Along the way, it’s helped me to ask this question: how do I harness the power of mindfulness and empathy to increase trust and connection with others and myself?

How much of our stress comes comes from relationships and (mis)communication? I’ve developed a new ‘Mindful Communication’ program, which applies mindfulness skills to the area of communication. The course integrates approaches and exercises from Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), to help us enhance our ability to stay present and listen to the people around us, even when there’s conflict.

This course will help you to:

* Feel more fully and richly alive – moment by moment
* Think and communicate more clearly and effectively.
* Start communicating mindfully in your daily life
* Develop deeper, more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships.
* Discover that stress and anxiety are optional.
* Free yourself from, ‘re-active’ impulses and habit patterns
* Recognise and challenge unhelpful thoughts and beliefs.
* Develop safe and positive ways of dealing with chronic mental or physical pain
* Express and receive anger in ways that increase safety

You can attend the Mindful Communication course one of two formats: a one-week retreat and 8-week course.

Here are some photos from the Rainbow Mill summer camp at the end of August. I had a wonderful time and the memories are still fresh!

Just recently I came across an article on using very simple, clear questions from a Restorative Justice process to help mediate disputes between your children. I find the examples clear and effective. Here’s the link:

3 Steps that Transform Sibling Conflict into Sibling Camaraderie

While I was writing my book on empathy (next post, promise!), I got interested in Mindfulness – the quality of directed attention usually associated with meditation and activities such as yoga, tai chi etc. Buddhist meditators have known about the healing qualities of mindful attention for 2500 years, and now they are scientifically attested. I’m now attending an 8-week teacher-training course at the Center For Mindfulness set up by Jon Kabat-Zinn in Massachusetts.

Kwan Yin statue at Aryaloka

I’m planning to integrate Mindfulness and Empathy in one course and call it something like ‘Mindful Communication’.

I’ll trying it out on the regulars here at Aryaloka retreat center, where I’m staying, in the next few weeks. I also hope to get some studies done on it at some point. I’ll keep you posted.

Finally a ‘heads up’ about the European NVC summer camp, which is coming to the UK next summer. The dates are: Sunday 31 July – Sunday 7 August 2011 (both around lunchtime). The venue is the exquisitely beautiful Langdale Youth Hostel, in the Lake District. There is limited space, so I recommend booking early. More details to come.

Love and life, Shantigarbha

Learning NVC on the NVC Dance Floors

Hi Everybody,

Would you like to spend five days with one of the developers of the NVC Dance Floors next month? Come and join Gina Lawrie and myself for the Dance Floor Festival, 6-11th July. The venue is the the Rainbow Mill in Norfolk, UK. Camping and B&B options are available.

As you may know, ‘The NVC Dance Floors’ is a method for learning, practising and teaching Nonviolent Communication (NVC), co-created by Bridget Belgrave and Gina Lawrie.

The Rainbow Mill

The Dance Floors are spatial maps made up of large cards that place NVC processes on the floor in various layouts called ‘dances’. Each card represents a step in a dance of communication. These steps can be used in any sequence to support authentic, flowing, conscious communication. People learning NVC walk through the steps, often with coaching from a trainer, or support from people in their practice group.
For more information about the Dance Floors, visit: NVCDancefloors.com

For more information about the Festival: Click here

See you there!

Warmly, Shantigarbha

I’m delighted to say that the article on NVC parenting I helped a journalist from The Times write last year has just appeared in print under the title: ‘All we are saying is: give peace a chance’. The online version features my friend and colleague Sarah Ludford, and Helen Bone, who has been attending my parenting workshops in Bristol.

Here’s a quote from the article:

Helen Bone runs a group in Bristol that meets every two months to work through the practicalities of parenting with nonviolence. She turned to NVC when her son Sam’s behaviour began to deteriorate, triggered by his asthma.

“He couldn’t verbalise how his asthma made him feel so he shut me out, with lots of kicking and shouting,” she says. “My response — angry, frustrated and upset — was making the problem worse. Through NVC we’ve learnt a different way of communicating and it’s gentler.”

So how does it work? Bone describes a time when she used NVC with her son to prevent a conflict getting worse. “We were at a relative’s house and Sam was playing in the sandpit with a toy lorry, but the rest of the family were going to the park,” she says. “He just lost it because he didn’t want to stop what he was doing. I used to think, ‘I’m the parent, so he’s going to do what I say’, but instead I thought about what his needs were. I realised he just wanted some autonomy. I think that’s important, and what tantrums are about in most cases.”

I’m delighted with what I interpret as Heidi’s straightforward enthusiasm for NVC, and presenting stories from Helen, Sarah and her own life that demonstrate its effectiveness.

Love and life, Shantigarbha

I found this an inspiring and clear introduction to Restorative Circles (NVC applied to Restorative Justice), by their developer, Dominic Barter.
Warmly, Shantigarbha

Click here to view the embedded video.