Teapot and Bag: an NVC inner conflict process
Teapot and bag, with a giraffe in the middle!
While I was in Birmingham, UK last month I ran a training on NVC and Conflict. One of the exercises I led through was on inner conflict – how to mediate a conflict between two different strategies to enrich your life. For example: do I stay put in my house and enjoy my space and freedom where I am? Or do I move town to live in a community with like-minded people?
I suggested that we find two objects to represent the different sides. We found a teapot for one side and a bag for the other, and put them on the floor in the middle of the circle.
Yes, it's a teapot!
Then I asked everybody to identify the ‘Shoulds’ on both sides for their conflict (For NVC afficionados, this is what we would call Teapot and Bag in ‘Jackal’). In the example I gave above about moving house, the shoulds would sound something like this. Teapot: I should stick with what I know. I should know that I won’t enjoy being with all those people. Bag: I should find some company for myself. I’ll wither away if I stay on my own much longer.
When everybody had done this for themselves, I suggested that they get together in pairs to talk about their inner conflict, gradually identifying the needs underneath the ‘Shoulds’ on both sides. (This is what we call Teapot and Bag in ‘Giraffe’). In our example, this sounded like this… Teapot: I guess I really need space to connect with
Yes, it's a bag!
myself, and the ease and freedom of living alone. Bag: I desperately need connection and the comfort that comes from that. Besides, living with like-minded people will help me to grow and develop.
When everybody had done this, I invited them to bring the needs on both sides together in their heart (This is what we might call ‘Mediator in Giraffe’) resting quietly with them, letting go of any specific strategies that they have thought of so far. In our example, bringing the needs for space to connect, ease and freedom together with the needs for connection, comfort, support and growth.
I then invited everybody to sense their longing to meet both sets of needs for at least 30 seconds, and begin to explore / brainstorm ideas that would meet both sets of needs, without judging the ideas as they come. I invited everybody to start making a list of these ideas.
In our example, strategies that would meet both sets of needs included:
- staying as a guest in an existing community while renting out my house for six months
- renting out my house for six months and travelling
- talking with everyone I know our dreams for living in community
When each person had at least nine ideas, I invited them to look at each one to see if it worked on a heart level – they felt no resistance to doing it. If new needs came up, I suggested adding them to the ones they were holding in their heart. If they found something that worked, I invited them to celebrate it!
Teapot and bag, with giraffe in the middle
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